


You Watched Me Suffocate

by Ry (ryanssance)



Category: DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:28:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29387019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryanssance/pseuds/Ry
Summary: The reader is also a vigilante and has been in a relationship with Jason for a little while after the original Outlaws disbanded. When new members join the Outlaws, the relationship between Jason and the reader is threatened.
Relationships: Artemis of Bana-Mighdall & Bizarro (DCU) & Jason Todd, Artemis of Bana-Mighdall/Jason Todd, Jason Todd/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hanahaki Disease is a fictional disease where the victim of unrequited or one-sided love begins to vomit or cough up the petals and flowers of a flowering plant growing in their lungs, which will eventually grow large enough to render breathing impossible if left untreated.

At the beginning, everything was... normal. It had been the two of you for a little over a year, and your relationship was stable. Well, as stable as a relationship with a touch-starved but hard-headed man suffering from PTSD would go. You never once complained though, because you had everything you could ever want or need, and you can rest assured knowing he felt the same. 

From the soft touches and lingering glances the two of you shared in front of others, to the slow kisses and quiet embraces behind closed doors, you were pleasantly satisfied with how your life was. 

Of course, sweet moments were often short-lived when the two of you were vigilantes. When Artemis of Bana-Mighdall and Bizarro, the loving hunk of clay that once belonged to Lex Luthor, ended up joining the Outlaws, things started changing. Your routinely “dates” with Red Hood in Gotham became long missions outside of your usual city. 

In the back of your mind, you had always held a tinge of jealousy and worry because Artemis was no doubt, a very beautiful person, and although you were fine in your own skin, you couldn’t help but feel the insecurity bubble up when Artemis and Jason were together. In a simply-put manner, your insecurities only deepened over time, as your thoughts become more and more paranoid. 

Although it was rather hard to decide whether to keep your thoughts to yourself or share them with Jay, you chose the latter because the two of you had a code for your relationship and disclosure, was one of them. Jason patiently listened to you while he held you in a tight embrace before reassuring you of his love, and after that, everything settled itself. 

Or so you thought... Unbeknownst to you, Jason had gone back on his once-promising words and cheated. 

“Mission is on the clock for 23:30, but I’ll be right back,” you peeked into the lab to see Bizarro tinkering away on yet another piece of gadget for the team. “I’m just going to let Jason and Artemis know.” 

Bizarro’s head snapped towards you, before standing up from his seat, but you were already walking down the hall. He had quietly walked in on Jason and Artemis once without the two knowing and ever since then, he had been torn between telling you or keeping the secret to himself. You and Jason meant the world to him, being the first two people he saw when he opened his eyes, and he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Either betray Jason by telling you or betray you by keeping it a secret. For the past few weeks, he had been trying to occupy himself in order to forget, hoping Jason would come to his senses soon enough, but he hadn’t. 

It was all an accident, him catching a glimpse of the security monitor just as Jason and Artemis snuck into her room, but he saw it and now his only goal was to protect you from emotional destruction.

“[Y/N], I need your help with the transmission box before tonight’s mission.” Bizarro followed after you, trying to stop you from pursuing your hunt but his attempt failed with a “Sure ‘zaro, let me just get-” 

“No, wait!” Biz shouted, but it was too late. 

The door opened and you got a quick glimpse of Artemis and Jason sharing an intimate kiss before the two pulled away like deer caught in the headlights. His hands fell from her hips as she stood up from the table abruptly and Jason’s mouth opened agape as he stared at you. Your eyes slowly drifted from Artemis’s guilt-stricken face to Jason, and your chest tightens as the reality of the situation finally dawns on you. 

Although you had spent weeks telling yourself that this wouldn’t happen, your intuition was right after all, but this wasn’t something you had wanted to be true. With an urgent sigh, you took a glance at the tablet in your hand, “Mission is on for 23:30, you have fifty minutes before we meet in the briefing room.” 

Jason moved forward to speak, but you turned your attention to Bizzaro with a smile, “Shall we fix that transmission box, ‘Zaro?”

You started walking down the hall and Bizzaro took a quick glance at Jason, then back at your retreating form, before he in response and followed you back to the lab. 

The next few days, you completely ignored Jason, unless it was mission-related, and to continue avoiding him, you moved out from your shared room into the spare bedroom, and even spent most of your time helping Bizarro with tech or just following him around. 

“Could you pass me the needle-nose pliers, please?” Your outstretched hand beckoned for the tool as Bizarro paused on his end of the wirings to hand you what you needed. 

You muttered a thank you, before pinching the cable and coiling it back into the rubber casing. Your eyes snapped up to look at your teammate when he let out a sigh, “What’s on your mind, big guy?”

It was a question out of mannerism because there was no need for you to ask in the first place, his body language and facial features gave his thoughts away. 

With a drawn-out pause, Bizarro heaved another big sigh, “I’m sorry, [Y/N].”

Your eyebrow quirked up as you moved on to another loose wire, but shook your head with a chuckle, “If this is about Jason and Artemis, don’t be.” 

An electrical spark zapped your finger as you yanked it back with a yelp, “I could tell something was fishy with the way you tried to stop me from opening the door and to be honest, I could never be mad at you. You’ve been a great friend letting me help you with minimal tasks, and to be quite frank about the whole situation, I understand it was not your place to go sticking your nose in, so if anything, I’m thankful for all that you’ve done.” 

Bizarro sat their, hands on his knees as he stared at the ground, “Are you sure?”

You nodded as you finally sealed up the casing on the control panel before standing back up, “Seriously, let’s not talk about this. We should go train!”

And that’s just what you did for the rest of the week, which then became _weeks_. Weeks of constant distraction to halt your painful thoughts and discomfort in your chest. By the time Wednesday rolled around on your third week, your feelings finally burst. The pain in your chest became unbearable, so with a clank of your wrench falling onto the metal table and you collapsing against the wall behind you, you screamed with all your might. Tears started pouring down your sullen face as you pulled at your hair. Every inch of sadness and anger in your mind and heart came spewing out along with your wails, your tough exterior crumbling down. 

Bizarro was stunned by your random outburst but still made it to your side as you continued to sob. He rested a gentle hand on your shoulder for comfort, because he understood where this was coming from. 

“I FUCKING HATE HIM,” you screamed, but the Superman clone stayed put. “I HATE THE WAY I AM, ALL BECAUSE OF SOME-SOME GUY I USED TO LOVE-”

Your hands were pulled from your face, revealing your dishevelled hair and swollen eyes, but this was only the start of your mental breakdowns. Some might think you were overreacting, but not to you-you weren’t. There was a constant discomfort in your chest that you couldn’t pinpoint, and when missions would go awry and your pain bothered you, you would break down and cry all over again. The stress from your now-old relationship and work became too overwhelming, and for a while, you believed that was the root cause of the painful twitches and discomfort. 

It wasn’t until months later when you coughed up your first petal. 

At first, you thought it might have been something you inhaled when you were crying on your bed, but upon further examination, while everyone else was asleep, it turned out to be an orange rose petal. 

It had been tainted with mucous and nothing else. You looked it up and discovered _Hanahaki disease_. Something along the lines of unrequited love, causing flowers to grow in one’s lungs. Unless the person on the other side could prove their love to you, you would either have to get them removed or you die. Removing them meant a possibility of losing your memories of Jason as well, but no matter how much you said you hated him, a huge part of you could never let him go. Emotional sacrificial instinct, you supposed. 

So with a heavy breath and a broken heart, you quietly left the floating fortress through the quantum translocation door and went off-the-grid with a new alias, one that they wouldn’t be able to find you with. 

You have quietly tucked away in a small house in Canada, slowly coughing up more and more petals. As the months went by, your petals became full flowers. Those were the most painful ones. You constantly gasped for air, and when your coughs became too violent, you could only double over the toilet as flowers regurgitated from your lungs. 

It was a cold November night when your mind dropped its guard of your new alias, and Bizarro had transported through the quantum door, to find you on the floor wheezing and turning pink from the pressure of not being able to breathe. 

You were suffocating. 

Bizzaro quickly picked you up and rushed you through the door and back to the fortress. He tore down the hall as he brought you to the infirmary, and started doing chest compressions. The sound of his heavy footsteps woke up Jason. The head of the Outlaws followed the sound to the infirmary only to be fully woken-up by the sight of you covered in bloodied roses. 

At this stage of your disease, the once orange roses that symbolized passion and energy turned black. 

_Death._

“What’s going on?!” Jason shouted as he rushed over to you. Blood trailed down the corners of your lips as more and more petals came up, and tears slipped from your eyes. Your eyes were glazed open as you looked up at Jason, eyes begging for help.

With the use of forceps, Bizarro pulled out the flowers he could see before strapping an oxygen mask over your face.

“Give me the anesthesia,” Bizarro ordered and Jason turned around to sort through the cabinet of files. “HURRY!” 

Jason fumbled for the little bottle before handing it, along with a packaged syringe to Bizarro. One glance down at your current state and Jason paled, much like you, except there was a tinge of blue to your tone, “We’re losing them-”

“I know!” Bizarro shouted back as he finished hooking you up to the heart rate monitor and an IV bag. He quickly measured the strongest dose of anesthesia for Jason to inject, as he prepared himself.

Your heart rate started to slow, your chest stuttered, trying to grasp air even though the oxygen machine was providing ample. It was just seemingly not enough. Your eyes continued to water as your body convulsed on the cold, metal table. 

“Do you know what you’re even doing?” Jason asked, anxious as the number kept dropping on the machine. 

Bizarro couldn’t find himself to answer, so he just closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but all he could hear was the decline in your heartbeat. 

Jason’s continuous shouts at Bizarro became muffled, drowned out in the unsteady tone of the only thing trying to keep you alive. 

_Trying._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader continues to face heartbreak unaware of the life-threatening situation they're in.

Your chest ached as you felt the petals detach from their stems and your lungs contracted around the debris, causing you gasp for air. 

Your vision blurred with tears as it became more and more difficult to breathe, your hands coming up to your sternum to give it a flimsy push.

_Is this how I die?_

You rolled over into the recovery position, attempted to free up some space in your trachea for oxygen, but your efforts were fruitless. 

Heavy steps vibrated underneath your limp body as you tried to focus on the familiar blue and red in your line of sight. 

Before you could even try to mutter his name, he had picked you up and rushed you through the door, and you were suddenly showered with a cold light. 

A warm liquid left your lips, followed by the disgusting petals you had grown to hate, but you couldn’t taste either. Your vision was littered with spots as you tried to take in your surrounding but only your sense of touch was working. 

The feel of cold metal burned your skin, like the fire in your lungs. Muffled shouts were heard and the man you had yearned for looked down at you. 

Your mouth opens and closed like a fish, as warm hands came up to give you chest compressions. 

Ribs cracked from the pressure, but it felt like nothing but a tickle compared to your lungs.

Everything turned black, with a prick of a needle and a mask of air finally entered your lungs, but it still didn’t feel like enough. 

Darkness embodied you, like never-ending oblivion.

You looked down at your hands to find them covered with blood, and your chest cavity was pried open with clamps. Your heart beats and your lungs contract with every breathe, but it felt numb. Bloodied orange rose petals fell out, almost dancing in mockery as they fly away from your body. 

Your breathing became rapid as you start to panic. 

_Why am I cracked open like a dead carcass?_

Your body shook as you scrambled away from the pool of blood that appeared in front of you. 

You fell onto the floor as you tried to create distance between you and the puddle, but all you could focus on were the petals that still continued to flow from your open chest like a force was pulling them out and sending them into a steady wave of wind that carried them away. 

In the distance, you saw a figure that started to approach you. 

“Jason?” You called out meekly, and the familiar Red Hood smiled at you. 

“(Y/N)!” He called out as he ran towards you, and just as he was about to pull you into his familiar embrace, he disappeared. 

A mist of remanents floated away like the petals. 

“Jason,” you called out as you looked around, “JASON!” 

Laughter echoed from behind, and you whipped around to see Jason laughing-

“(Y/N), I can’t believe you said that to him-” Jason doubled over. To who? You took in what Jason was wearing, he had his Red Hood suit half unzipped and resting on his head, a gauze wrap around his upper left bicep. 

This was after you fifth mission alone with him. You had said something utterly sassy to Black Mask, and everyone in the room was stunned you could even muster that kind of attitude. 

A certain yearning in your heart pulled you towards him, and again, just as you reached out to touch his shoulder, he disappeared. 

_I miss him._

“Jason,” once again, you were left in confusion. You looked down at your foot and there were two whole roses sitting in the blood. 

You bent down to reach for the flowers but another echo of voices grabbed your attention. 

it was the sound of your voice, you were laughing and when you looked closely, it was Jason holding you hostage in a tickle fight. 

You wanted this to last, so you stayed where you were and just watched the scene unfold in front of you. A twitch in your lungs caused you to look down, and in your hand, was another fallen rose. You looked up from your hand, and Jason was gone again. 

_No..._

“Jason!” You scrambled to run to where you last saw him, and suddenly the openly dark room forms into a maze. With each memory you follow, desperately holding onto the orange roses falling from your lungs in a futile attempt to sustain your fading memories of him, you realized the memories you see only lead you to a dead end. 

Let and right, your favourite memories of Jason start to disappear like a taunting joke. 

Amongst the sound of your memories, you heard a faint yelling above you, but when you look up, there’s nothing there but an obsidian ceiling that seemed to never end. 

“We’re losing them!” 

“I’m almost done, give me the forceps, I need to secure the sutures.”

You looked down, the blood had started to dry and the petals had stopped flowing. There were still a couple of roses left in your lungs- no.

“Bizarro! Jason! Stop,” you shouted up as you saw another memory of Jason in the distance. 

You used all your might to run to Jason as you continued to yell in protest.

_Another memory faded._

_Another rose fell._

“No, please! Stop!” 

_Mist after mist._

_Rose after rose._

You slipped in the puddle of blood and fell, the roses in your hand falling out of your grasp. 

Everything was slowed down, your head collided with the murky ground, the roses gracefully fell as the petals wilted into the colour of ebony, almost perfectly blending into your surroundings. 

You watched from the ground as Jason walked away holding hands with the memory of you, smiling about something. 

Your head turns to the left to see one last memory of Jason, the one that had pained you before, but you refused to let go after all this time. Your body refused to get up to chase after that memory. 

“Jason...” you cried out, watching as Jason’s lips pulled away from Artemis’. Jason looked over to you, but instead of the shock you remembered, it had changed to the blurry sight of his taut and confused face as he looked down at you after you touched the metal table. 

The last memory fizzles and you have left in the dark once again, alone, and in pain. Your lungs seal up and the blood dries up. You can breathe again, but you didn’t want to. The darkness started to engulf you, as you start to cry again. 

You wanted your memories of Jason. Even if it _killed_ you, you wanted your memories of Jason. 

_Jason?_

_Ja-son._

_Who’s..._

_Who’s Jason?_


	3. Bonus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason POV from the start.

His mouth dried up. He never thought he would witness the trust break in your eyes, but he did. You looked at Artemis, and his hands fell from her waist while he watched you battle several emotions in a split second. 

He noticed your eyes glossed over when you finally looked at him. Your nose flared -a tell-tale sign you were fighting to suppress the tears fighting to fall- and with a bite of your lips, you looked down at your tablet. 

For that split moment, Jason looked up at Bizarro who just looked down the hall and pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. 

“Mission is on for 23:30, you have fifty minutes before we meet in the briefing room.” You spoke curtly before turning over to Bizarro. 

_What do I say? What do I say!_

Jason was about to speak, but he was a second too late. You had walked down the hall, leaving Bizarro to shake his head at his so-called-leader before following you. 

The door closed with an agonizing swoosh and Jason’s foot flew into the leg of the table, “FUCK!” 

His hands came up into his hair as he tugged at the roots, “I fucked up.” 

Artemis sighed as she looked up at the ceiling.

The tension in the room was silent, the high of kissing another woman rapidly dropping with every clench Jason’s heart makes.

“This stops now, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have- I’m so stupid!” Jason yelled as he pushed away from the table and paced the room, “I’m sorry.” 

“I’m sorry,” He repeated, but not for Artemis, no. He was apologizing to you even though you weren’t physically there. 

_I need to apologize_ , he thought and with that, he yanked open the door and ran down the hall to locate you, but Jason only found Bizarro in the control room. 

“They went down to do recon first, get suited,” Bizarro spoke grimly without even looking up from the map layout for our next mission. 

And that’s how it was for the next few days. You found every way to ignore the man who broke your heart, and you trained privately in your locked room, sometimes not coming out for hours. The two of you only communicated during missions, but even that was minimal. 

Then days turned into weeks... 

Jason was on his way to find Bizarro to ask him to check the settings on his red helmet when he heard tools clank and a heartbreakingly, familiar sob rip through the hallway. 

Jason slowed down and quietly peered into the tech room. There you were, bawling your eyes out as you tugged at your hair, the thing the two of you had in common when you were stressed. 

“I hate him,” you muttered, but Bizarro stayed put from where he was. “I HATE THE WAY I AM, ALL BECAUSE OF SOME-SOME GUY I USED TO LOVE-”

Anger coursed through Jason’s veins until it settled into a certain sadness. 

_Used to love._

With one last glance at you, Jason retreated back to his room. The bed you once shared was ice cold against his flushed skin, but he had grown accustomed to it once again. 

His heart ached and his chest tightened at the memory of you sitting there with swollen eyes, face wet with the despair he had caused, all because of his recklessness.

Jason missed you, he missed you the point he could no longer focus during training, and his nights were spent wide awake wondering when you would let him talk to you again. Sure the two of you exchanged words on missions, but it was only enough to keep Jason sane while the team was out. 

You were off, everyone knew, but not one person brought it up, not even Jason, in fear of ruining what little he could have of you from a distance. 

An unfamiliar wetness left his eyes, and he brought a hand up to wipe it. 

_It’s been years since I last cried. At least since I started the Outlaws... Since I met you._

Jason rolled over on the bed, and his arm automatically reaches for your pillow, tugging it close to his shaking body as he buried his face in your scent. It almost seemed faint to him now, but he inhaled deeply trying to take in every last bit of it before it’s gone. 

An angry and frustrated scream left Jason’s lips and shrouded in the pillow, the sound muffled by the feathers within. He laid on the cold bed with nothing but regret and sorrow. 

Then suddenly you went off the grid, in the dark of the night. For a while, Bizarro convinced the team you were in your own room, but when Jason built up the courage to take down your door with a swift and nervous kick, the secret was out. 

You were actually gone. 

“Where are they?” 

Bizzaro turned at the sudden intrusion, “Where’s who?”

“Don't play stupid with me, big man,” He jabbed a gloved finger at his teammate’s chest. “Where's [Y/N]?”

Bizarro looked down at Jason’s threatening finger before he pushed it off, “I can’t tell you.” 

“Let me see them, it's been weeks, please,” Jason sighed, exasperated at the great lengths you went to avoid him. "Where are they?"

“I can’t tell you,” Bizarro responded back, but Jason yanked him to make eye contact. 

“WHY NOT? WHAT COULD-”

“Because I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE!” Bizarro shouted, his face creasing at his forehead and his hands slammed on the table beside the two of them.

“Wha-”

Bizarro rubbed his face in exasperation, an angry sigh leaving his lips, “I’ve looked everywhere. They went off-the-grid, and before you suggest the quantum door,” a hand was held up, silencing Jason, “I’ve gone in and out of that door thinking of everywhere they could be, but I think their mind is holding up a different alias. One we don’t know of.” 

“That’s a thing?” Jason asked, eyebrows furrowing as he looked at the awkward brown door in the room. 

Bizarro’s eyes shifted with a head tilt, “Apparently.” 

“Facial feedback?” 

“I’ve tried, wherever they are, it’s isolated.” 

Jason stared at Bizarro with a look of confusion and anger, no, he’s missing something.

“I’m checking for myself.” 

Jason was adamant about finding you. You might be the last person he wants to see right now, but he needed to know you’re safe. 

Months went by, but there was still no trace of you. When Jason finally had free time, he would sit in the control room, reading by the quantum door in hopes you would walk in, and if he was having a rough night, he would crash in your bed. Your voicemail box was full at this point, from worried calls when Jason has thought about you again, to tipsy ones with Jason begging you to come back and to talk things out with him. He was becoming desperate, hair tugs from stress starting giving him headaches, and his smoking habits kicked back. 

_I don’t need him._

_I don’t need him._

_I... fuck, I need him._

Jason grabbed his phone and dialled the one number he didn’t think we would turn to when it came to relationship problems.

The connection buzzed before a gruff voice came on, “Jason.” 

“Bruce.” 

He knew he messed up, he understood what he did was wrong and there was a zero to none chance he would ever have you back, but he needed to talk to you. About what happened, about your relationship and about... his petals. 

With a fistful of blue hydrangeas in his hand, he clenched his fingers around it before tossing it into the porcelain and flushing it down, “I-I need your help, please.” 

The remnants of the flower that symbolized _heartlessness_ , disappeared with the water before Jason dropped the lid over the seat. 

Just another reminder of the abominable thing he did to you. 

* * *

November finally rolled around, the day of what was supposed to be your anniversary was coming up, and Jason still hasn’t found you. Granted, the team had been working outside the country, stationed in China somewhere so Jason was occupied. 

He had called an early night upon return, moving absentmindedly into your room. The scent on your pillow, the one in his room, had disappeared a long time ago, and the only way he could fix that was to move into your room. 

The coughing and the flowers weren’t something he was unable to hide, but they were becoming more frequent. Jason tried everything to cover it up, and it worked... for the most part. 

Jason tossed and turned for hours before he could ever actually fall asleep, but tonight was a different case. His body felt limp and for once his cough subsided, so sleep instantly took over him, his worries of you lingering in the back of his mind. 

It wasn’t until a few hours later when heavy footsteps padded right past your door, alerting Jason. He reached for the gun on the nightstand and aimed it at the door in fright. 

_Everyone should have been asleep by now._

Jason eyed the time on his phone before carefully peeking out, seeing Bizarro turn the corner with a swift but hurried move. Jason slipped a shirt over his head and rushed after him. 

When he finally caught up to Bizarro in the med bay, the sight in front of him shocked him. It was you, but you were... injured? 

“What’s going on?!” Jason shouted as he rushed over to you. Blood trailed down the corners of your lips as more and more petals came up, and tears slipped from your eyes. Your eyes were glazed open as you looked up at Jason, eyes begging for help. 

“Babe,” Jason wondered before he really understood what was going on. 

The same thing happening to him was happening to you. 

_Oh shit._

With the use of forceps, Bizarro pulled out the flowers he could see before strapping an oxygen mask over your face. Jason watched everything happen in a flurry before he noticed Bizarro was talking to him.

“Give me the anesthesia,” Bizarro ordered and Jason turned around to sort through the cabinet of viles, “Hurry!”

Jason fumbled for the little bottle before handing it, along with a packaged syringe to Bizarro. One glance down at your current state and Jason paled, much like you, except there was a tinge of blue to your tone, “We’re losing them-”

“I know!” Bizarro shouted back as he finished hooking you up to the heart rate monitor and an IV bag. He quickly measured the strongest dose of anesthesia for Jason to inject, as he prepared himself.

Your heart rate started to slow, your chest stuttered, trying to grasp air even though the oxygen machine was providing ample. It was just seemingly not enough. Your eyes continued to water as your body convulsed on the cold, metal table. Jason almost teared up watching you suffer. It hurt him to see in a state that he caused. 

“Do you know what you’re even doing?” Jason asked, anxious as the number kept dropping on the machine. 

Jason’s continued to shout at Bizarro, but they became muffled, drowned out in the unsteady tone of the only thing trying to keep you alive.

_Trying._

“Let me help.” Jason urgently went to grab some scrubs, but Bizarro shook his head. 

“This isn’t something easy. What [Y/N] has is rare and complicated-”

“What is it?” Jason looked down at you once again, his hand automatically reaching out to yours. 

“Hanahaki disease,” Bizarro responded as he finally got suited and prepped. 

Jason watched in horror as he watched Bizarro made the first incision in your chest. Jason was not skilled in the field to do anything, but he got changed anyway and cleaned to help out in case Bizarro needed it. It was you, after all, he wanted to help. 

The heart monitor steadied, snapping Jason out of his mournful gaze, only to realize he had been lost in thought for most of the hard opening of your chest. Your lungs were exposed as Bizarro worked quickly to cut out the flowers. 

Jason held the metal tray anxiously, his hands shaking as he watched Bizarro place the delicate but dangerous orange roses. The ones from your insides were still bright, but the ones that surrounded you were blackened, almost as if they were scorched on their way up. 

_God, it must have been awful..._

Bizarro looked up to see Jason tearing up as the container he held to continue to shake. With a sigh, he took the container from Jason and put it down beside your body, “Go take a breather,” he instructed the high-strung man in front of him, but the monitor started to beep with a warning. 

“We’re losing them,” Jason shouted in panic and his hands instinctually held onto your again. 

“I’m almost done, give me the forceps, I need to secure the sutures.”Jason was quick to hand him what he needed, eagerly watching Bizarro work, the monitor steadying again, before fluctuating and then steadying once more. 

He felt sick to his stomach, but he brought your hands up to his lips and gave them a tearful kiss, “I’m sorry, [Y/N]. I’m really fucking sorry. Please, please stay strong.” 

As Bizarro closed everything and bandaged you up, Jason backed into the fall, his arms supporting him from his knees as a sob racked through him. 

The discarded flowers littered his sight on the table, the counter, in the tray, on the surgical table, everything. 

He could never live with himself knowing he did this. He caused all this pain and unnecessary suffering for a temporary bliss. 

Bizarro cleaned up before walking over, placing a firm hand on his friend’s shoulder, “They should be fine, just give them time to recover.” 

Jason nodded meekly, taking one last glance at your body before taking his leave. 

* * *

The next few days were solemnly tough, to have you back but still unresponsive and in a recovering state of a coma, it was as if there would never be a sense of security knowing you were okay. Days felt like centuries to him and still being unable to hear your voice kept Jason on edge. He stayed by your side, alternating between the desk chair he had up next to your bed and the floor. He desperately wanted to hold you, but you might not have agreed if you woke up, and he was afraid of hurting you any further with your wounds. 

Bizarro and Artemis had come to check in on both you and him, but Bizarro took a moment to sit down next to Jason. 

After a good draw of silence, Jason spoke up, “What do the orange roses mean?” 

Bizarro sighed as he rubbed his eyes from underneath his glasses, “Passion and energy.” 

“The black meant death, I suppose?” 

Bizarro nodded. His mouth opened, then closed, tempted to say more, unsure of whether Jason would want to hear it. Since your return, Jason had been careless with hiding his petals, so Bizarro finding them in the trashcan on his way out from the last visit was really no surprise. 

“Purple roses and purple lilacs symbolize first love, freesia; innocence, gladiolus is for faith and honour, and hydrangeas...” Bizarro looked over at Jason’s unmoving stature, “heartlessness.” 

Jason slowly looked over at his teammate, shock hiding behind his tired and swollen eyes. Bizarro never spoke on pressing matters, but him telling Jason meant he knew about the flowers, so there wasn’t a point in hiding it anymore.

“I know.”

A hand tugged at the roots of his hair before an eerily calm demeanour took over again, “I don’t want them removed. I want to know how (Y/N) felt, I want to feel the pain I caused, I want those flowers to rip through me, slowly killing me as it did to them-”

“Jason, don’t do this to yourself.” 

“NO- I ALMOST KILLED THEM! THEIR BLOODIED ROSES WOULD HAVE BEEN ON MY CONSCIENCE, AND THERE ARE FEW MURDERS I WOULD CARE FOR, BUT THIS ISN’T... _This_ isn’t one of them,” Jason sighed, covering his face with his cold hands. “[Y/N] was the love of my life, one of the few good things I had going for myself, but I completely screwed it up and endangered their life for a few unfaithful moments with someone on _our_ team. Someone they knew, and someone they trusted. Hell- I was one of those people they trusted, and look what I did to them.”

Jason’s fist clenched as he suppressed a cough, “What if they never wake up?” 

“They will.” Bizarro tried to smile, but at your rate, he was actually unsure himself. 

But you did. 

A few days after Jason was confronted by Bizarro, you stirred. Jason had fallen asleep on the floor next to you, his back cramped from his previous slumber in the chair, and you had finally woken up. Dazed and confused, you eyed Jason warily, neither of you speaking until Bizarro walked in. 

“’Zaro, what’s going on?” You whispered as if you trying to keep your conversation from the man on the floor. 

“You had surgery, for your Hanahaki disease.” Bizarro calmly responded, checking your IV bag, before removing it from your arm. 

“[Y/N]?” Jason called out quietly, begging for you to finally listen to him. He had to apologize, it was eating him alive. Your eyes drifted over to him, and he sighed in relief, “I’m really sorry for putting you through this. I’m sorry-” 

Jason wrapped his arms around you as he cried. It finally felt nice to feel you in his arms again, warm and breathing. A sense of the security he was missing was back. 

“I watched you suffer and it-it- I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what I did-” 

Your hands came up to caress Jason’s cheeks, his eyes sullen from the lack of rest, but you didn’t know that. You could only connect him to something terrible, but not on a personal level, “Why are you apologizing to me?” Your thumbs glided under his eyes, collecting the tears that fell and for a second, Jason melted under your touch. 

“I don’t even know you,” A nervous chuckle left your chapped lips, and the blood in Jason’s body froze over. His eyes frantically searched yours for any signs of a malicious joke but they were just plain confused. 

“Bizarro?” He called out, looking at the figure for help, but Bizarro’s mouth had fallen agape. 

“Bizarro? What’s wrong?” You asked, looking between you and Jason. 

“Amnesia... It must have- the memories of you must have gone with the flowers.” Bizarro looked down at the orange rose he had cleaned to examine, but all Jason could do was storm out. 

“Are you sure about this?” Bizarro asked Jason as Jason nodded, lying down on the cold metal table. The same one you were just on, less than a month ago. 

Jason felt the prick of a needle in his arm, and an oxygen mask being placed over his nose, and the room around him slowly turned black as Bizarro counted backward, the machine keeping the pace steady. 

Nothing had hurt more than knowing your love was unrequited because the person he loved could no longer remember who he was, other than a member of a team. [Y/N] had to rebuild their relations with Artemis and Jason, and that made it near impossible not to break and just scream with fury. 

He couldn’t take it anymore, so he asked Bizarro to remove the flowers. 

Jason woke up feeling less confined by the restrictions of sadness, guilt, and anger, but his memories of you... they never left. There were no feelings of love or anything of that sort for you anymore, but the memory of what he did lingers in his mind. 

“I did that to them?” Jason asked, looking up at Bizarro who had been at his side with a glass of water in hand. Jason’s recovery was faster because the surgery was less life-threatening but still tough. 

Bizarro looked down at his big hands, before giving a brief nod. He knew it wasn’t going to work, memory loss only happened in the really late stages of removal, but Jason was only a few months in. 

With a heavy sigh, Jason stared at the person he once loved, but could no longer hold feelings of such for. You still had no idea what Jason was talking about, no one bothered to explain anything to you, but you assumed it was a personal matter not worth sharing with a new member just yet. 

“I’m sorry.” 


End file.
